A few light-hearted paragraphs for April and not one word is from my imagination! Who’d have thought that one day I would be able to combine all these overheard snippets, gathered over the years, into the short piece below? Just to warn you that as my proofreader is still very busy with her work project, any incongruous spellings, punctuation etc are entirely down to me. Anyway, here goes…
Overheard Conversations
It is rare to overhear a full conversation and, as far as I am concerned, a few isolated phrases floating in my direction, often on a bus, are usually of even greater comedic value than the entire dialogue. As an aspiring writer, whenever I hear anything that amuses me, I try to commit it to memory then, later, write it in my notebook for possible future use. I am now going to delve into both and draw on a few overheard snippets of conversation for this piece.
The first that springs to mind was from a fellow passenger on a bus many years ago, talking to her friend about her forthcoming holiday, “We’ve decided not to go to Spain this year because of the Basque Separates and all the bombs they’re setting off”, she informed her knowingly, while unwittingly disclosing her ignorance. I immediately wondered what possible terrorist threat a set or two of lingerie could hold for tourists on the Iberian Peninsula and whether certain colours constituted a greater danger than others. Where the chosen holiday destination turned out to be I never discovered, as I was then lost in mental images of M&S underwear engaged in illicit activities!
Not long after this, I was on another bus journey when my ears caught a few words of a conversation between two or three men sitting near me. To whom they were referring remains a mystery. “He is obviously a bad influence” one remarked. “He’s ruined the Isle of Wight”. Another voice then piped in with, “And Rochdale”. This left me wondering who could have caused the marked deterioration of two places so geographically and scenically diverse. I wasn’t aware that the IoW had been ruined and as for Rochdale, perhaps its commanding views over Bury, Accrington and Huddersfield are gone forever. I’ll never know, though my husband did wonder if they were discussing a football manager.
Back in my teens, while waiting for a bus, the chit-chat of two ladies in the queue caught my attention. “Well dear,” said one to her companion, in familiar London tones, “I got up at 6 o’clock this morning, washed down the walls of me loo and then I’d finished me work for the day”. ‘Lucky her’, I thought, wondering how her housework could consist of one chore a day. I always remembered this statement with amusement and a year or so later when Monty Python burst on to our TV screens, with Terry Jones playing a middle-aged housewife with a high-pitched voice, I thought how easily he could have incorporated that into one of the sketches. When I worked for the BBC in the 70s and 80s, I met Michael Palin and related this anecdote to him. He found it as amusing as I did and agreed Terry could have capitalised on it. He also revealed that some of his best comedy material came from conversations he had overheard on buses, so it’s no wonder he went on to travel round the world on public transport.
Our one and only trip to a nearby town afforded more amusement from an overheard conversation, this time during lunch in a pub restaurant. The family at the next table, consisting of two parents, three young children and Granny, was certainly not blending into the background inconspicuously and we couldn’t believe it when Mum got up in the middle of the meal and walked out. “Where’s Mummy going?” asked the eldest, a girl of about four. “She’s gone to put some money on an ‘orse”, replied Dad, as if it were the most normal behaviour in the world – so it probably was to them. This little anecdote provides me with the necessary link to my next thought. In the unlikely event that I should ever own a horse, I intend to name it “Viking”, then hope that someone will ask me why so I can reply “Because he’s a Norse”! Given my background in England’s Capital City and if the equine creature were large, I could perhaps add “M A B it’s a big ‘orse” as in the old song “Maybe it’s a-because I’m a Londoner….” (a joke from a comedian I saw on television), though perhaps this is getting a bit too silly now. So back to the topic in hand…
Children, especially toddlers, are often a source of entertainment and my cousin, a born mimic, was a leading light in this field. She was only about three years old when her mother overheard her talking to the lady next door. So there was this toddler, arms folded on the top of the fence, Norman Evans style, chatting away. This would have been acceptable, cute even, if my aunt hadn’t suddenly realised, with horror and great embarrassment, that throughout this in-depth conversation, her daughter was mimicking their neighbour who, it should he mentioned, had a broad Norfolk accent and a speech impediment resulting from an operation years earlier. Deciding she must put a stop to both the conversation and her daughter’s behaviour, my aunt called her in, then told her she shouldn’t speak to their neighbour like that. “Why not?” came the bewildered enquiry, “She speaks to me like it”. Well, there was no answer to that, especially when dealing with a three-year-old with the gift for mimicry. My aunt just hoped her elderly neighbour hadn’t noticed but it didn’t stop there. A few days later, my aunt’s heart sank when she was in the garden and her neighbour said she wanted a word with her. “It’s about your little girl”. She then proceeded with, “I think there’s something wrong with her. She talks in a very funny way. You should take her to the doctor”. Not expecting this approach, though surprised and relieved her neighbour had failed to recognise herself in the very realistic impersonation, my aunt said, “I expect she’ll grow out of it”. “I don’t know” came the concerned reply. “She definitely talks funny. My Elsie never did, and I think you should take her to the doctor”. Needless to say, my cousin was not taken to see their GP and continues to be a mimic to this day, and despite the fact that she is a nun, she is still one of the funniest and most entertaining people I know.
As to further overheard conversations, watch this space!!
© Chasqui Penguin, 2024
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