Announcements

Travelling by train in the UK can be a good, frustrating or even amusing experience. We found the latter on a trip home 20 years ago which became memorable because of all the announcements throughout the journey, and these are as near to verbatim as I could recall when writing this a few days after the journey. Since then I have updated a few details but it is basically as written thirteen years ago .

As our weekend in London in September 2010 drew to a close, I set off for the railway station with my husband. It had been a fun couple of days meeting up with  friends and chatting, when not listening to some great music. Despite our fears of missing the train, we arrived with about 10 minutes to spare and were able to find seats together and get ourselves sorted out well before it set off.  A couple of minutes before Departure Time we heard an announcement along the lines of:

Midland Mainline is sorry to tell you that this train will be leaving London later than planned as the crew is on another train which is late arriving here.  We hope to be leaving around 5:20. 

This announcement was then repeated a few minutes later before the train set off, at a slow pace, around 5:15 p.m.

A few minutes into the journey another announcement informed us that the snack bar was closed for stocktaking but should be opening shortly.

Soon after this we received another MM apology for the slow progress of the train – this was due to our following the London to Manchester train which had left St Pancras late. It transpires that maintenance work on the usual lines had resulted in all trains from London to Manchester setting off from St. Pancras instead of Euston.

The next announcement was full of promise:

The snack bar is now open. 

My husband, in customary fashion, went straight off to buy a coffee and hadn’t been back more than a couple of minutes, cup in hand, when the familiar sound of an impending announcement could be heard:

We apologise to all our customers but the boiler has broken down in the snack bar so there will be no hot drinks until it has been repaired.  We are working on it at the moment.

The train continued at its leisurely pace when another announcement was heralded by a rustling sound from the speakers and the poor stewardess had to inform us all that

We have run out of sandwiches and have only two cheeseburgers left.  However, we do have a good supply of crisps and chocolate.

By this time, a few of us in the carriage were beginning to see the funny side. 

Looking out of the window, it seemed the train was picking up speed, though it was still some distance from its first stop.

Another announcement, this one bringing good news:

The boiler in the snack bar has been repaired, with the complimentary tea and coffee drinks available again.

Less than 5 minutes later:

We apologise again but the boiler in the snack bar has broken down again.

We reached our first stop – a few passengers got on and one asked where the snack bar was. We directed her, adding that there was no tea and coffee.

The train set off at a good pace and we wondered if we would make up any lost time.  We watched the cattle and sheep in the fields to our left as we sped by.  Darkness began to fall, gradually at first, then in one quick movement it was black outside, and it seemed as if the train would continue at the normal speed.  It was 7:00 and the train had been due at our destination at 7:01 so we were about an hour late – at least we had comfortable seats. I didn’t miss the coffee or tea, never having been keen on either.

We were speeding along happily. Suddenly the train slowed down and finally stopped.  Another announcement:

We are sorry for the delay, but the speed sign has been knocked over and the driver couldn’t read the speed he was meant to be going at so he’s had to slow down and stop and is now speaking to the Signal Box staff to find out.  We will continue as soon as possible.

We did and normal speed was resumed for an uninterrupted 10 minutes before this announcement:

We wish to inform you that the snack bar will be closing in five minutes for stocktaking and will not open again on this journey.

A rush to the snack bar ensued….

Uncharacteristically, there were no further announcements for another half hour when a scheduled stopped saw more people pouring on to the train than I would have thought possible.  The young lady who chose a seat opposite to us told us she had been travelling for five hours, having set off from Cheltenham that afternoon – usually a two-and-a-half-hour journey back home. After four trains and one bus connecting two stations she’d had enough, especially as this had involved her being given wrong information which sent her to Birmingham and then Leicester.

We set off again – not long now.  Another announcement:

May we suggest that you fill in a Complaints Form which you can collect from the Booking Office on arrival?  We will be arriving about an hour later than planned and so you should be entitled to compensation.

We finally found ourselves back on familiar territory. By then it was nearly 8:00 p.m. We called in at the Ticket Office, en route to the taxi rank, and were handed a Complaints Form.  We took one look at the queue for taxis, with none in residence, and decided to walk into town and wait for a bus.  This proved to be a wise – and cheaper – decision as a 58 was just pulling up at the bus stop when we arrived and by 8:20 p.m. we were home.

The next day I completed the Complaints Form and posted it to Midland Mainline. We received some train vouchers in compensation and used them for a visit to Lincoln the following summer, so not a bad outcome after all.

As our weekend had been spent at a Neil Young Convention it did cross my mind that it was the Spirit of Crazy Horse (the native American, not the band), causing havoc on the Iron Horse, to which he objected as the building of the railroad was destroying the sacred lands of his people. We shall never know!

© Chasqui Penguin, 2023

X/Twitter: @ChasquiPenguin