Sales Pitch

This is a fictional story. Any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence.

The audio version is on Anchor: https://anchor.fm/dashboard/episode/e1k5ade

Sales Pitch

Gardening has never been an enjoyable hobby for me and the worst has always been mowing the lawns spread across three levels; that is till I saw this advert in our local paper:

Want a Work-free Well-kept Lawn?

Buy a llama!

Yes, you did read that correctly – buy a llama!

After the initial outlay, the llama will pay for itself by eating the grass. If your garden is on hilly land, all the better – llamas thrive on mountainous terrain, so will be happier there than on flat ground. Our llamas come with their own Certificate of Health and, for a small extra cost, he or she will be covered for medical care by our own veterinary team.

We have a number of llamas for sale, starting at £350 and rising to £1,000. The more expensive llamas are ideal for trekking, whereas those at the lower end of the price range are only suitable as live-in garden pets but will still crop your grass daily and ward off intruders! They are even cheap to run!

So why wait? Call us on the number below to arrange to view our herd of llamas (and you may want to look at the alpacas as well). We are a local, well-respected llama and alpaca farm and would allow you to have your llama on a sale or return basis, subject to conditions.

The address given was about five miles away and did seem as if it might be the answer to my gardening woes. I showed the advert to my wife June who looked at me as if I were mad – and I looked back as if I weren’t! However, knowing her as an animal lover and that she was still getting over the passing of our 20-year-old cat, I decided to let her think it over, without trying to influence her decision. This is always the best way with June.

Sure enough, a few days later she told me she had considered my llama idea and why not just go along and have a look at them? I knew then we were halfway to owning a living lawnmower, and the following Saturday we set off for the llama farm. As we approached, I noticed a sign for it pointing down a side lane and, once we had turned in, we could see it ahead of us. Dozens of llamas seemed to be roaming around its fields and as we slowly negotiated the entrance we could see smaller versions, no doubt alpacas, in fields on the other side of the driveway.

We parked, made our way to Reception and were greeted warmly by a young woman who introduced herself as Veronica and offered us coffee and biscuits, which we consumed while she gave an outline of the farm and the animals there. Not all llamas and alpacas were for sale, as they kept a number for breeding purposes, but the majority were on the sales list and she would later take us to see them all. When she asked us the reason we were interested in buying a llama, we told her about the difficulty of cutting the grass and showed her a photo of our back garden. She nodded and said that the selection could be easily reduced to those not ideal as trekking llamas and she asked us to follow her.

We stood on the outside of a field full of llamas of various colours, sizes and ages and were asked if we would like to choose a couple to look at close to. June and I chose one each. Mine was a brown-and-white female that stood at a distance, snarled and spat and seemed quite bad-tempered. However, the cream male June liked seemed better disposed to us and came up to the fence, with no objection to being patted. Veronica told us that, though he was good with people, if he took a dislike to anyone he’d behave as his friend was doing. The female soon returned to the herd but the male stood with us patiently, occasionally looking round at a smaller version of himself standing behind him. Our favoured llama was young – only 10 months but had been weaned and was now at an ideal age to be taken to a new home for the mere cost of £350. The one drawback was that his little friend behind him would be lonely. It transpired that the little friend was not a llama but a young fawn-coloured male alpaca. Orphaned at birth and bottle-fed by the staff, he never seemed to fit in with the other members of his species, preferring the company of his llama friend. At eight months old, he was also ready to be moved to a new home, and we were offered the chance to buy him as well for just £100. This was within our budget of £500 and, though there would be the annual cost of veterinary care, we felt we could afford the two together.

June and I were given time to get to know both animals, with Veronica keeping a wary eye, but they behaved well with us and allowed us to stroke them gently. She then left us on our own to discuss and make our decision, and it didn’t take us long to tell her that we would like to buy both of them. She was delighted, as our new pets would be all the happier for being kept together. We returned to the office, filled in the paperwork and put down a deposit on each, the remainder to be paid on delivery of the animals a week later. We went back to the field where she called them over and put reins round their necks with our surname on each – to ensure that they were not sold to anyone else in the interim.

That week went by unbearably slowly but at last The Day dawned and around 11:00 a.m. Veronica arrived with our eagerly awaited lodgers. Accompanying her was a young lad called Bob who had kept them calm in the horsebox on the drive over. Between them they led our new friends round the side of our house and into our back garden and then removed their reins, which they handed to us – just in case we ever needed to move them. The prospective residents looked around and tested the grass with their feet, then their teeth and, in no time, they seemed to take to their new surroundings. Veronica and Bob stayed for an hour or so, at first in the garden, then they retreated with us into the kitchen for refreshments, while keeping a careful eye on their former charges through the window. Satisfied that all was well, they declined to bid them goodbye, in case it unsettled them, but arranged to return on Wednesday to see how the duo was getting on.

On Wednesday Veronica and Bob were convinced that both animals had made themselves at home. We had given them names by then; as both species originate in the Andes, we had decided to choose these from our limited Quechuan, the language of the Inca people of Peru. Our llama became Atahualpa, named after the last Inca emperor (even though it means Bird of Fortune), our alpaca Machu Picchu (even though that translates as Old Mountain) and they soon learned to come to us when we called out their names. Our friends at the llama farm made frequent visits, initially to ensure our lovable llama and adorable alpaca were doing well, and were occasionally accompanied by a vet. In time, June became good friends with Veronica, who often calls in for a cup of tea and a chat, so even when there is no official visit planned, our ruminants frequently see her and benefit from the edible treats she always brings for them.

So there is a happy ending to this story. Our two Andean pets keep the grass down very well and are far more interesting than any lawnmower. They quickly settled into their new lives, even taking to the large carport at the side of the garden, where they spend their nights and shelter from the rain. Despite the reputation of llamas in particular, Atahualpa is a gentle giant and enjoys our company, but woe betide anyone who even thinks about entering the garden. This means we have to tie them both up in the carport when the window cleaner arrives! Machu Picchu is a real softie, only snarling at the window cleaner when Atahualpa starts – he never takes the initiative himself.

They have been with us for just over a year now and are thriving on the grass, fruit, veg, bark and twigs from our garden, plus mown grass donated by neighbours. Who’d have thought my dislike of mowing would result in these two very welcome additions to our family? Life is full of surprises and often very pleasant ones!

© Chasqui Penguin, 2021

Twitter: @ChasquiPenguin